George Carlin's New Rules for 2008

I love George's humor...have to pass it on...

New Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.

New Rule #2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?

New Rule #3: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule #4: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket; water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule #5: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule #6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a-hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet,' ooh, you're a huge a-hole.

New Rule #7: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule #8: I'm leaving this one out...not very nice...

New Rule #9: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule #10: I don't need bigger, mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule #11: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule #12: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months (e.g. 27 Months.) 'He's two,' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule #13: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

What?

The perfect Christmas gift?

My sweet dear wife has forever scheduled and made appointments for me for annual doctor checkups, glasses, dentist and NOW for my hearing...( she's the one who said I had a hard time hearing her)...so I went to see the hearing guy, I don't recall what they're professionally called...she came along with me to make sure I went and with the intention of grabbing dinner later at a restaurant near there...

The 'doctor' stuck me in a soundproof booth and attached wires and stuff in my ears...in each ear, one at a time, I heard chirps, cheeps, beeps, and buzzing sounds...when done he sat me down and said my hearing was almost perfect and I didn't need to get hearing aids...I told him that I didn't think I had a hard time hearing but what I had was 'selective hearing'...

We had a very quiet dinner!

Lost and found?

Guys never have to ask for directions...

When I bought my car a few years ago options on it were a GPS system, a DVD player and a third seat in the rear...they added a few extra bucks to the cost but were 'built-ins' I couldn't pass up...the GPS for me... the DVD and third seat for grand kids...

Picking up or delivering plans, I 'needed' the GPS to find cities, governmental agencies and job sites from San Diego to L.A. ...I formerly looked up directions on Yahoo or Map Quest and had to read them on my way, not easy to do while driving... The GPS talks in a man's voice (I can change it to a woman's voice but for some reason haven't done it) and tells you when a turnoff is coming up, how many miles away it is...what lane to get into...it delivers you to within 15 feet of the address you've written in...How do it know??? It even programs a return trip...

In the past I've gotten lost, like in downtown L. A., not knowing which way North is or how to get back to the office...my home and office are now programmed into the system...I just click and it tells me the shortest or alternate way back...hence, my lost and found device as my wife calls it...

I can find gas stations, airports, city halls, ATM's, restaurants and points of interest by simply clicking into the hand held remote or the gadget on the steering wheel...

We once took a drive up north with my Mom and Dad and I talked about how great the GPS is...so on the way back I clicked it on and my Mom could hear verbal directions and loved it...when we approached L.A. the voice said to get off at a certain freeway but I ignored it and took a different way, as we were taking them to their home and not to our house as I had programmed...the GPS voice kept on saying "get in the right lane! get in the right lane!blah, blah...a little further on it said "the first chance you get make a U-turn...it was annoying so I said out loud "Shut the hell up and leave me alone!
My Mom said: "Be quiet or he'll hear you!!!

Hand held GPS's are now available and are quite inexpensive...especially handy if you drive more than one car...they make a great "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" gift...

p.s. if you miss a turn and end up on a different road or street the GPS 'finds' you and within one minute or so automatically re-programs your destination ...

Blogging made simpler...

I just returned from Palm Desert submitting plans to the City, and was thinking about my next blog as some of us do...

As luck would have it I received an e-mail while I was gone and I'm passing it on as my blog 0' the day from one of my golf buds...the one who doesn't cheat

I liked this one and thought some of you may like it too...

A tidbit of Christmas knowledge:

There is one Christmas Carol that has always baffled me. What in the world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans, and especially the partridge who won't come out of the pear tree have to do with Christmas? Today, I found out. From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly.

Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember. -

The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ. -

Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments. -

Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love. -

The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John. -

The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament. -

The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation. -

Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit--Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy. -

The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes. -

Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit--Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control. -

The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments. -

The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples. -

The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles' Creed.

Experiencing the way we age...

A Christmas party…

Last evening we partied at the ‘old folk’s home’…no, no, no, no….not where we live but at the 'home' where my mother is a patient…

The Christmas party was being celebrated by the staff for the patients along with their families… food was prepared Filipino/Asian style and was outstanding…a lot of children, sons and daughters, grandchildren, friends and relatives…the food, along with hot cider, cookies and cakes was enjoyed by all…then gifts were handed out to the patients from the staff…lotsa fun for all…I had been asked weeks before if I’d dress up as Santa Claus but declined…it’s not my thing and in all the excitement didn’t want to get grabbed by any old people…

As some of the crowd was leaving, some having come by an hour or so before we got there, young girls and boys were instructed by their parents to be sure to wish all the patients a Merry Christmas as they were leaving…I was sitting in my Mom's walker next to her and she in a wheel chair, when a sweet young girl said to me: “Merry Christmas mister, I hope you get well soon and I’ll be sure to come by to see you next Christmas”.

(if I'm still alive I want a wheelchair like the one above)...

Almost everyday I get e-mails from my semi or fully retired buddies who have hours and days to search the web for ‘stuff’…most of them are corny and I delete them…I keep some good jokes for passing on to some of them... I take special care not send one to the guy who sent it to me…some times I mess up and get angry e-mails back from these guys who have nothing much to do…so I tell them to get get a job and forget about it...

Today I received this e-mail and felt it would make a good blog. (Now I’ll only be about 2000 posts behind Julie)…

You'll read that it's about coffee cups, which I like to collect for myself and guests coming to our office...I like big and heavy cups that are not easily spilled on tables, and I like different colors and without logos of any kind except for my LA Dodger cup...

here it is:

A group of alumni, all highly established in their respective careers, got together for a visit with their old university professor. The conversation soon turned to complaints about the endless stress of work and life in general... Offering his guests coffee, the professor went into the kitchen and soon returned with a large pot of coffee and an eclectic assortment of cups: porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal - some plain, some expensive, some quite exquisite. Quietly he told them to help themselves to some fresh coffee.. When each of his former students had a cup of coffee in hand, the old professor quietly cleared his throat and began to patiently address the small gathering... "You may have noticed that all of the nicer looking cups were taken up first, leaving behind the plainer and cheaper ones. While it is only natural for you to want only the best for yourself yet that is actually the source of much of your stress-related problems." He continued... "Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In fact, the cup merely disguises or dresses up what we drink. What each of you really wanted was coffee, not a cup, but you instinctively went for the best cups... Then you began eyeing each other's cups...."

"Now consider this: Life is coffee. Jobs, money, and position in society are merely cups. They are just tools to shape and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not truly define nor change the quality of the Life we live. Often, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee that God has provided us... God brews the coffee, but He does not supply the cups. Enjoy your coffee!"

The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything... So please remember: Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly. Leave the Rest to GOD. And remember - the richest person is not the one who has the most, but the one who needs the least.

What I'd rather do today...

Anywhere

Pebble Beach

Yup, even on an aircraft carrier, but close to shore...

Northern California

South Carolina

A Christmas dinner minor dilemma

This year we picked names out of a hat to exchange one Christmas present with each other... in past years everyone bought several presents for everyone…this year things are a little tight, and many family members won't be here...so the family decided to change gift-giving a little…
This year only two of our daughters will be here with their children, the others living out of town or state and can not join us…a real bummer it is!
My mother and our cousin Gabrielle, who lives in the ‘home’ with her, will join us as will my second cousin Anthony with his Pug dog Annabelle, a real beauty!…you know how we all love dogs…Annabelle is housebroken, or so says Anthony…the slightest little tinkle in the house and I’ll have to ask Gina to take care of both Anthony and Annabelle…not sure what or if she’ll do it but I think she will be delighted to help…Anthony and Annabelle sort of look like each other and just that will drive Gina nuts…

The dilemma:
we’re having the party on Christmas day around 4:00 pm…in the past it's been held on Christmas morning with a huge home made breakfast buffet that everyone enjoyed while opening up presents…and a few Bloody Mary's...this time some of our guests still want to have breakfast served…OK… should breakfast foods be served along with afternoon food, or should it be called brunch or very late afternoon brunch or what? Will you help and send your ideas for the event name and menu suggestions…Bloody Mary's are OK to serve any time...

Once upon a time...

The other day I was reading blogs about concerts Allison and Julie have been to lately...it made me look back semi-recently and several decades ago and thought about some my wife and I went to as well as with the girls

Elvis at Forum in Inglewood with mother-in-law and our family…was mother-in-law’s favorite person in the world…for sure I wasn't her fave...she once called me a whop!... she had Elvis clothes, plates (that were hung on the wall alongside Norman Rockwell plates), books, records and albums (I think all the kids we had at the time came along)…it was when Elvis was getting on the chubby side…

B.B. King…enjoyed him in Costa Mesa with Leesa and Jonathon…he IS the King

Ray Charles…many times, twice in early sixties in Anaheim at a theater in-the-round that’s no longer there; at the L.A.Palladium a couple of years later, and a few times more…I loved this man’s singing since my teenage-hood in Montreal…I hardly remember those days except my folks kept on slamming doors shut while I was listening to him…they were not hip to Rock 'n Roll and the Blues

Dr. John… I love this guy’s piano playing and music…we saw him at least three times, once with Debby, Sarah and Sunny at Claremont College and Sunny danced her head off in front of the stage...

Rufus Wainwright… at the Hollywood Bowl with Sunny, Sarah and Debby…picnic before the show; a grassy spot in the parking lot ; I think we had cinnamon rolls and wine…Sunny loved Rufus and could sing just about all his songs…we’d play him all day long at the old office when Sarah and Debby worked there…Sunny was a baby and came to work every day until she went to school…she could ‘click and drag’ a computer at three and get on line at Barbie.com, knew how to color Barbie’s dresses and run prints by herself…

Neil Diamond… years ago at Universal I think, and had to go with Dann and Gail…he was their all time best entertainer...I tried to forget almost everything about this concert and I’m over it!...was decades ago and Dann bought the tickets…lotsa strange people there…

James Taylor…still the greatest…treated by our daughters at Hollywood Bowl…

Peter Frampton,”Show(ed) me the way”…at the Forum in Inglewood, lots of pressure from Julie to see him…she still loves him…saw him on the tube recently…I relate to him...there’s something about old bald guys…

Elton John…two or three times…the first time, we had tickets to Universal Studios with all the girls, got to the front of the line and discovered the tickets were for the previous night!!! (Hell, Shit and Damn!) No problem…got in the box office line and bought better seats than we would have had the night before…was an unforgettable, exciting and expensive evening…we ate bread, beans and lotsa pasta until next pay day…

Thanks to Allison for this blog idea...

Lessons learned in early married life… I don’t remember life before marriage…

You get what you pay for…maybe I learned this one a little late in life…
Always be nice and smile… kids are worth the trouble
If you lie make it a white one or have a good memory
Learn to love the growing gaps in song, music and dress
Love the ones you’re with…
Tell your kids: “you gotta dance with the one who brung you”…
You can’t pick your relatives...
Drive cars you love…keep one or two for later years when you won’t be able to afford it …unless you can’t afford to insure seven vehicles…
Life’s not always fair…you got to wash or dry dishes or load or unload the dishwasher..
Register to vote …otherwise don’t talk to us about politics…
Have short, mid and long range plans
Don’t be afraid of change…get used to it…change is good …
Traveling is a good and happy thing for a family…
Motor homes are the best way to travel when your girls have to go to the bathroom every five minutes…
Girls have to wash their hair every day even when skiing or traveling…
Teach your kids to drive a stick-shift car…
No matter how many kids you have you need a ‘pool-guy’ and a gardener…
If you want it done right wash your own car…
Develop a sense of humor… laugh a lot…
Take lots of pictures especially of your second, third, fourth and fifth kid…
Regional parks are a great place to picnic on Sunday afternoons…KFC, home made potato salad, chips and cokes…bring balls, bats, fishing poles…go with relatives and grandparents…take lots of pictures…
Visit your parents and grandparents often…

DESPERATELY SEEKING...

When I’m at work, or driving around Riverside or Lake Forest, or watching TV or even playing golf I look and see literally dozens of topics I could blog. I go to bed fairly early and when I wake up and stay in bed for a little while I think of a hundred things to write…I have a steno book at the office in which I record calls during the day and write a list of things to do…in the back of the book I keep blog ideas for future use…today I came up empty…I guess I could keep a notebook on the nightstand along by the alarm and light…maybe I’ll do that, and maybe keep one in my car…a good idea…

I could write about what I had for dinner last night or the great lunch I had today schmoozing some new clients on a project in China related to the Olympics next year, what clothes or Christmas gifts I bought or will buy, or photo the beauty of the last golf course I played…if Julie played her favorite club would be her camera…I could post pictures of my grandkids, or tell you how my Mom is doing in the ‘home’…or tell you how my golf lessons are coming along, my drives, chips and putts...or what I read in the latest Golf Digest to help lower my scores…or tell you the latest on the Golf Channel…

I could write about Dancing with the Stars... Thankful that it’s over but happy about the winners, but kind of sad that I had to miss too many episodes of ‘House’, my favorite show…Dancing is over and tonight I can watch what I want…I’ve thought about scanning some of my better projects for you to see but never have time to do it…our latest and greatest project is for a Specific Plan for a site in Rialto, that’s in San Berdoo County…some excellent graphics trying to illustrate how beautiful it could be on such a horrible site…a site difficult to grow plant material because it’s too hot in the summer and too cold in the winter…a good location for Pines, Oaks, Sycamores and Poplars…

I could write for help on how to include my favorite bloggers’ addresses on my blogs…OK, I'm asking...

Thanks