George Carlin's New Rules for 2008

I love George's humor...have to pass it on...

New Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.

New Rule #2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?

New Rule #3: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule #4: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket; water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule #5: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule #6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a-hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet,' ooh, you're a huge a-hole.

New Rule #7: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule #8: I'm leaving this one out...not very nice...

New Rule #9: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule #10: I don't need bigger, mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule #11: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule #12: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months (e.g. 27 Months.) 'He's two,' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule #13: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

What?

The perfect Christmas gift?

My sweet dear wife has forever scheduled and made appointments for me for annual doctor checkups, glasses, dentist and NOW for my hearing...( she's the one who said I had a hard time hearing her)...so I went to see the hearing guy, I don't recall what they're professionally called...she came along with me to make sure I went and with the intention of grabbing dinner later at a restaurant near there...

The 'doctor' stuck me in a soundproof booth and attached wires and stuff in my ears...in each ear, one at a time, I heard chirps, cheeps, beeps, and buzzing sounds...when done he sat me down and said my hearing was almost perfect and I didn't need to get hearing aids...I told him that I didn't think I had a hard time hearing but what I had was 'selective hearing'...

We had a very quiet dinner!

Lost and found?

Guys never have to ask for directions...

When I bought my car a few years ago options on it were a GPS system, a DVD player and a third seat in the rear...they added a few extra bucks to the cost but were 'built-ins' I couldn't pass up...the GPS for me... the DVD and third seat for grand kids...

Picking up or delivering plans, I 'needed' the GPS to find cities, governmental agencies and job sites from San Diego to L.A. ...I formerly looked up directions on Yahoo or Map Quest and had to read them on my way, not easy to do while driving... The GPS talks in a man's voice (I can change it to a woman's voice but for some reason haven't done it) and tells you when a turnoff is coming up, how many miles away it is...what lane to get into...it delivers you to within 15 feet of the address you've written in...How do it know??? It even programs a return trip...

In the past I've gotten lost, like in downtown L. A., not knowing which way North is or how to get back to the office...my home and office are now programmed into the system...I just click and it tells me the shortest or alternate way back...hence, my lost and found device as my wife calls it...

I can find gas stations, airports, city halls, ATM's, restaurants and points of interest by simply clicking into the hand held remote or the gadget on the steering wheel...

We once took a drive up north with my Mom and Dad and I talked about how great the GPS is...so on the way back I clicked it on and my Mom could hear verbal directions and loved it...when we approached L.A. the voice said to get off at a certain freeway but I ignored it and took a different way, as we were taking them to their home and not to our house as I had programmed...the GPS voice kept on saying "get in the right lane! get in the right lane!blah, blah...a little further on it said "the first chance you get make a U-turn...it was annoying so I said out loud "Shut the hell up and leave me alone!
My Mom said: "Be quiet or he'll hear you!!!

Hand held GPS's are now available and are quite inexpensive...especially handy if you drive more than one car...they make a great "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" gift...

p.s. if you miss a turn and end up on a different road or street the GPS 'finds' you and within one minute or so automatically re-programs your destination ...

Blogging made simpler...

I just returned from Palm Desert submitting plans to the City, and was thinking about my next blog as some of us do...

As luck would have it I received an e-mail while I was gone and I'm passing it on as my blog 0' the day from one of my golf buds...the one who doesn't cheat

I liked this one and thought some of you may like it too...

A tidbit of Christmas knowledge:

There is one Christmas Carol that has always baffled me. What in the world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans, and especially the partridge who won't come out of the pear tree have to do with Christmas? Today, I found out. From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly.

Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember. -

The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ. -

Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments. -

Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love. -

The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John. -

The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament. -

The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation. -

Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit--Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy. -

The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes. -

Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit--Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control. -

The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments. -

The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples. -

The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles' Creed.

Experiencing the way we age...

A Christmas party…

Last evening we partied at the ‘old folk’s home’…no, no, no, no….not where we live but at the 'home' where my mother is a patient…

The Christmas party was being celebrated by the staff for the patients along with their families… food was prepared Filipino/Asian style and was outstanding…a lot of children, sons and daughters, grandchildren, friends and relatives…the food, along with hot cider, cookies and cakes was enjoyed by all…then gifts were handed out to the patients from the staff…lotsa fun for all…I had been asked weeks before if I’d dress up as Santa Claus but declined…it’s not my thing and in all the excitement didn’t want to get grabbed by any old people…

As some of the crowd was leaving, some having come by an hour or so before we got there, young girls and boys were instructed by their parents to be sure to wish all the patients a Merry Christmas as they were leaving…I was sitting in my Mom's walker next to her and she in a wheel chair, when a sweet young girl said to me: “Merry Christmas mister, I hope you get well soon and I’ll be sure to come by to see you next Christmas”.

(if I'm still alive I want a wheelchair like the one above)...

Almost everyday I get e-mails from my semi or fully retired buddies who have hours and days to search the web for ‘stuff’…most of them are corny and I delete them…I keep some good jokes for passing on to some of them... I take special care not send one to the guy who sent it to me…some times I mess up and get angry e-mails back from these guys who have nothing much to do…so I tell them to get get a job and forget about it...

Today I received this e-mail and felt it would make a good blog. (Now I’ll only be about 2000 posts behind Julie)…

You'll read that it's about coffee cups, which I like to collect for myself and guests coming to our office...I like big and heavy cups that are not easily spilled on tables, and I like different colors and without logos of any kind except for my LA Dodger cup...

here it is:

A group of alumni, all highly established in their respective careers, got together for a visit with their old university professor. The conversation soon turned to complaints about the endless stress of work and life in general... Offering his guests coffee, the professor went into the kitchen and soon returned with a large pot of coffee and an eclectic assortment of cups: porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal - some plain, some expensive, some quite exquisite. Quietly he told them to help themselves to some fresh coffee.. When each of his former students had a cup of coffee in hand, the old professor quietly cleared his throat and began to patiently address the small gathering... "You may have noticed that all of the nicer looking cups were taken up first, leaving behind the plainer and cheaper ones. While it is only natural for you to want only the best for yourself yet that is actually the source of much of your stress-related problems." He continued... "Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In fact, the cup merely disguises or dresses up what we drink. What each of you really wanted was coffee, not a cup, but you instinctively went for the best cups... Then you began eyeing each other's cups...."

"Now consider this: Life is coffee. Jobs, money, and position in society are merely cups. They are just tools to shape and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not truly define nor change the quality of the Life we live. Often, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee that God has provided us... God brews the coffee, but He does not supply the cups. Enjoy your coffee!"

The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything... So please remember: Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly. Leave the Rest to GOD. And remember - the richest person is not the one who has the most, but the one who needs the least.

What I'd rather do today...

Anywhere

Pebble Beach

Yup, even on an aircraft carrier, but close to shore...

Northern California

South Carolina