TEN REASONS WHY YOU SHOULDN’T GARDEN

All sorts of reasons are given for gardening…for relaxation, growing food, decorating your home with flowers… some are even psychological like attracting birds and fragrance all around you…very nice…

But none are ever given for why you shouldn't garden, and you deserve to know before you begin this hazardous activity:

1. Plants die… no matter how hard you try or how great your gardening skills the end results will be the same.

2. Plants grow…growing plants requires water, fertilizer and pruning…the bigger the plants grow the more work…soon you’ll have no time for anything else…is your life so worthless?

3. Plants don’t stop at one…it’s the nature of plants to make more of themselves…before you know it every square inch of your garden will be covered with baby plants…the happy life you once had is over.

4. Plants attract animals…the minute a plant pops out of the ground some animal will find it…some will eat it while others will just trample or pee on it.

5. Gardens get noticed…it begins with an innocent compliment by your neighbors about how nice your garden grows…but don’t be fooled…the complement is a lie to distract you from what they really think, that your garden looks like crap and pretty soon you’ll hear from your association garden police saying it doesn’t meet the neighborhood code and you must weed it and have it done before midnight or face eviction.

6. Plants and gardens are imperfect and so are you…since no plant is perfect reaching perfection is physically impossible…you will always feel inadequate and worthless...there are plenty of other things in life that make you feel this way, so why add one more.

7. Gardens attract thieves and lowlifes…your garden, though, may be so close to perfection that it attracts the wrong kind of people. They will steal your plants and veggies…they will steal your ideas…and then they will steal all of your free time by asking you to help make them a garden just like yours.

8. Gardening involves the use of sharp objects…though gardening is usually described as a gentle pastime it is not quite so…more often it’s a brutal affair involving lots of cutting, clearing, thrashing, sawing, tilling and killing…and then there’s rototillers.

9. Gardening encourages profanity…at best gardening is a losing proposition…you spend a lot of time in the hot sun breaking your back and your fingernails, then cultivating, weeding and watering your little darlings only to find them ravaged by snails…though gardeners often claim to be closer to God their words sometimes are not fit for God’s ears…

10. Gardening causes insanity…ask any gardener: once you start gardening you never want to stop…performing an activity over and over again that always brings the same result, pain and suffering, is an unmistakable sign of insanity.