The Absurd Gardener

From Southwest Trees and Turf Magazine, a monthly landscape magazine… I don’t normally read the magazine in detail but today I forgot to bring my book to read during lunch…I had to share these with you…

In this month’s issue the absurd gardener answers burning questions from the community…

Dear Absurd Gardener,

I have just moved to Las Vegas and am interested in attracting emus to my garden. I saw them at the zoo and think they are just darling. What kinds of plants do you recommend?

Sincerely, Celia Cilliosus

Dear Celia,

You might try an emu bush, native to Australia. It has nice tubular flowers in red, orange and yellow. Though the local birds do seem to like it, I cannot say for sure if it works for emus. Even if it did there remains another problem. I don’t think there are any wild emus in Las Vegas. I can also say that you are not even close to any major emu migration routes. Come to think of it, I don’t think emus migrate. Since they don’t fly and they don’t normally swim and Australia being a considerable commute from Las Vegas, well, you do catch my drift. Even if you planted a garden paradise for emus it could be a long wait.

Dear Absurd Gardner,

I have a problem with the cacti in my front yard. They are situated in a nice, low-lying grassy area with plenty of shade. (If you know cacti you know where this one is going)

The soil is a rich clay and holds the water quite well and all the cacti are on a sprinkler irrigation system that is timed for every other day.

I have been fertilizing them every two weeks but they have not grown at all in over two years. What’s worse they have all turned black and are bending over like little old men. (I resemble that remark), and they smell just awful. Should I bring them back to the nursery for a refund?

Clyde Clewless

Dear Clyde,

What you smell is rot…big time. Your cacti are all dead. You have succeeded brilliantly in creating the most inhospitable conditions imaginable for cacti. I can only marvel that they lasted for so long. Please promise me that you will never buy another cactus as long as you shall live.